Wanted: Survey Cyborg

About Our Company

We are a successful player in the market research industry and pride ourselves on providing the best research data quality in the industry. We are committed to discovering important and valuable insights that will improve existing products and create new products that consumers will love. Although we offer no training, as well as almost no support or benefits, your skills and experience help to create the one of a kind products and services that consumers love.

The Position

This is an exciting role that provides support to the marketing and marketing research teams. Self-motivated people with above-average reading comprehension and written skills will enjoy contributing to this team.

The key responsibilities of this position are many. You will:

• Read and respond to surveys on a wide variety of exciting topics such as insurance, car tires, carpeting, paper products, and socks
• Have fully formed and logical opinions on every product, service, issue, or person that you have and have never considered before
• Expertly understand marketing speak but not have any education, training, or experience in marketing, sales, business, advertising, or media
• Have an extraordinary ability to remain focused even when you don’t understand the question, answers are missing, and you’re on minute 49 of a short survey
• Skillfully interpret and respond to the intent of a question as opposed to what is actually written
• Choose the answers that best reflect your true feelings, even when none of the answers come close to reflecting your reality
• Avoid giving the same answer to every question in a grid even though the best answer is legitimately the same answer
• Recognize all personal, cultural, emotional, and response biases and ensure they never affect your opinions
• Pour your heart and soul into sharing your opinions without wanting to see the results of your efforts
• Appreciate the gift of time, often amassing to several hours, when you are screened out of 7 surveys in a row

To be successful in this role, you will have the following skills and attributes

• No experience answering surveys such as restaurant or hotel review cards, bi-annual employee satisfaction surveys, and online reviews like Amazon or TripAdvisor
• Extensive experience using internet browsers such as Chrome, Firefox, Internet Explorer, Safari
• Must supply own computer with mouse and keyboard, tablet, or smartphone, as well as access to high-speed internet, electricity, office (at all times, at least one device must be less than two years old)
• Must be able to self-diagnose and solve all types of device and software issues such as frozen screens, screens that don’t scroll, buttons that won’t click, pages that won’t turn
• Superior typing skills using physical and virtual keyboards ranging in size from 2 inches to 15 inches
• Superior written communication skills to precisely describe feelings and opinions in words that can be reliably assessed by text analytics software
• Prior experience answering surveys would be advantageous
• Be a 27 year old black, Hispanic man with a graduate degree, 2 or more children, and earn $200 000 or more annually.
• Be able to ignore all family responsibilities such as making sure dinner isn’t burning, folding laundry before it becomes permanently wrinkled, taking Lego out of the baby’s mouth, or driving kids to the calculus tutor during the survey taking process
• Be able to perform at 100% mental capacity for at least 60 consecutive minutes
• Have no hobbies or interests that could be misconstrued as more important or interesting than this position
• Have hours of free time every day during which you couldn’t be volunteering at a hospital, working at a minimum wage job, teaching your grandchild to read, or playing Minecraft

About the Benefits

• Opportunity to be associated with a successful company
• No salary
• Token non-monetary gifts
• Fully flexible hours
• Work from home
• Training not provided
• Support provided as time and priorities permit

If this sounds like you, we’d love to hear from you!

By Annie Pettit, Chief Research Officer, Peanut Labs and Vice President of Research Standards, Research Now